Welcome to the other side my wicked ones. Hopefully I haven't died yet but if you're reading this and I'm no longer here then I'm going to need you to step up and carry on blogging for me, next one is due on Monday... Cheers in advance.
Chances are I'm still here, there's no rest for the wicked after all. Well, I have found myself thinking about death a lot this week. No, I'm not morbid or depressed, I'm just curious... slightly.
I've been thinking about what would happen once I'm gone. I mean the majority of the world wouldn't even be aware. You guys might miss my weekly babbling blogs (you know they're your weekly guilty pleasures). My mischievous cat Maleficent will be happier than ever as I'm the strict one that doesn't let her sleep upstairs, she'd be on my bed in no time.
So, here I am enjoying a peaceful cup of tea pondering over what song my beloved fiancé would play for me?! Well... He hates soppy emotional music (It's my fave by the way). So he'd probably pick something he finds hilarious to make everyone laugh such as the Postman Pat theme tune or 'Row Row Row Your Boat' and God forbid he plays 'Baby Shark'... I'd be right back to haunt him!
This leads me to think about my last outfit choice. What would he choose? He's clueless when it comes to women's fashion. He'd probably put me in double denim or see through leggings because he likes the way my bum looks in them... Fantastic!
What would he say? You know I'd love a real heartfelt emotional speech about how incredible I am and how his life will forever be a big dark cloud. You know I want him crying like a baby, tears, snot... the lot. When in reality he's quite a cool laid back unemotional guy. He'd probably just say “Peace out” or something equally ridiculous.
Then after my awful funeral there's the after drinks. He's good at drinking, he'd have no issue booking a room in a pub. But what about feeding my heartbroken guests? Well if it's left up to my partner they'll be on hot nuts from behind the bar and unlimited beers.
This just won't do... So, I've decided the best thing to do is plan it all myself. Not my death of course, I think with that I'd prefer the element of surprise (not yet please). But everything else I can have pre planned. I have life insurance as I'm a mummy, I need to know my family will be okay and lets face it 'Daddy' is going to have a hard enough time learning how to put bobbles in the kids hair or actually having to find things for himself for once.
Here we are... My choice of songs, I've given this a lot of thought and I want everyone to shed a tear. I'm not one of those 'Don't cry for me be happy' types. No, I want you to cry and be devastated I want to hear sobs. If you don't cry, you're not invited! And to make sure all of my heartbroken guest cry I want them to play 'My Heart Will Go On' by the incredible Celine Dion and 'There You'll Be' by Faith Hill. Try and resist those tear jerkers I dare you.
Next decision... Outfit choice. Now this is actually a really hard one, I mean we're women, we try on at least 12 outfits just to go for a night out... How the Hell are you supposed to pick this one? I'm not sure what happens on the other side but if there is some grand party I want to be dressed to impress. Luckly I have a couple of ball gowns to choose from, I'll just leave one clearly visible with a note on that reads “When I die, dress me in this or you will forever be haunted”. That should do the job!
Okay so speech... I think I'll have to enrol the bestie for this task. She'll give me a damn good heart felt 'I'm going to miss you forever' speech. She could even write my partners speech for him!
Food... Here we go, I don't have a favourite type of food, food in general is my favourite thing. I love it all, cheese, fruit, chillies, garlic, chips, pizza, curry... So it's only right to treat my guests to a royal banquet of food from around the world. Damn I wish I could go to this myself!
And just to finish off, as I think I have covered most of it in the above. My Obituary! This will read “Sadly the World lost a legend this week. She was wild, free, fierce and some would say a genius. How will we ever carry on? The World will never be the same again”
So keep a look out for my obituary in the papers, that'll be your key to step up and continue with the Naturally Wicked News. Hopefully this position won't be available for many many years.
I'll be back on Monday with another bizarre blog from the inner most tangled part of my brain. Keep safe all and remember... Stay Wicked!